Thinking Illogically
by jamesandlilypotter81
Summary: Though she said no to him constantly, he always ended up asking again. Though she had publicly humiliated him (calling him a bullying toerag—and much worse—on multiple occasions), he didn't care. Though his friends and classmates constantly told him that she would never give him a chance, James had not given up. Because, when it came to Lily Evans, he couldn't think logically.


Thinking Illogically

Every time he was close to giving up, ready to tear out his own heart and stomp all over it—prepared to admit that his years of chasing and infatuation had all been for naught—she would do something that would inevitably restore his hope.

Each time this happened, Sirius would call her a 'bloody tease.' He'd shake his head, give James a look of pity, and say he was going to fly around the Quidditch Pitch for a while. Remus, on the other hand, would smile encouragingly, yet would also say a few words of caution. "It may not mean what you think." Peter, being far more blunt than his other friends, would scoff and stalk off claiming—in no uncertain terms—that "Evans wasn't worth the time."

James always ignored them.

Because how could he forget that night in third year, when she had stayed up with him all night—even though he had hexed her best friend the day before and she was furious with him—because she had heard he was ill and couldn't sleep?

Or that time when, unlike his best mates who called him a swot and then sauntered off, she looked for his Transfiguration essay for nearly an hour, and then had helped him rewrite the whole thing when it was nowhere to be found. (Of course, nearly a week later, she had admitted _she_ had taken the essay in the first place, in retaliation for asking her out all the time—"But I felt so guilty when I saw you in the library, frantically searching for it, so I _had _to help you write a new one.")

Or how, just recently, she had told him that she had forgiven him a long time ago for the incident after their Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL. "It happened almost a year ago. Besides, it's not like you forced him to say that word," she had said with a shrug. Peter, who had been eating breakfast with them at the time and had heard James's sudden apology, had rolled his eyes.

"Don't fall for it, Prongs," he had said a few hours later, when they were alone. "This is just like the Hogsmeade trip last month. She made it seem like she'd say yes for weeks, and then when you asked her, she said no."

"But she seemed like she _wanted_ to say yes," James had argued weakly, knowing that his friend was right. Peter sighed.

"Look, mate, she's bad news. Either she's leading you on or she doesn't know what she wants, but whatever it is, it's best if you steered clear of her." James didn't have an answer to that—neither then, nor now. Because, when it came to Lily Evans, he couldn't think logically.

Though she said no to him constantly, he always ended up asking again.

Though she had publicly humiliated him (calling him a bullying toerag—and much worse—on multiple occasions), he didn't care.

Though his friends and classmates constantly told him that she would never give him a chance, James had not given up.

Because, when it came to Lily Evans, he just couldn't think logically.

XXX

James yawned and glanced towards the door, where he knew she was standing, her foot tapping impatiently against the stone floor. Technically, the situation they found themselves in was entirely _her_ fault, but he had long since decided against saying so. To be perfectly honest, he didn't really care _why_ they were locked in an empty classroom together—the fact remained that they were locked in an empty classroom together.

"She's not going to be here anytime soon, Evans," James said, raising an eyebrow. "McGonagall likes to let her prey stew in their own paranoia for a while before she hands out punishment." Lily looked at him, aghast, and shook her head.

"She only does that to you and your band of merry misfits because she dreads spending any time in the _Marauders'_ company." James frowned, wondering if that was true. It would certainly explain quite a bit…

"Huh," he said, almost a minute later. "I wonder if we should lay off a bit. I mean, McGonagall is really getting on, isn't she?" Lily walked away from the door and towards the desk he was slouched in. She sat across from him with an odd expression on her face.

"She is. She's probably infuriated with me right now. I can't believe that _I_ did what I did." James rolled his eyes when he realized she was just feeling guilty.

"The stupid ponce deserved all that and more, Evans. I'd've done much worse." Lily, however, just raised an eyebrow.

"You can talk big all you want, Potter, but I've got you figured out."

"Oh really?" James asked, laughing. This certainly wasn't the _longest_ conversation he had ever had with Lily, and it wasn't even like the ones he had ingrained into his memory—the ones where they laughed and chatted like they had been friends for years. Yet, the conversation still seemed to be special.

Of course, that could just have been because he was talking to Lily—and all his conversations with her, even the ones that ended poorly, were special.

"Yes, really," Lily said emphatically. "The whole 'hexing everyone because I can' thing is an act. Something you do because you think it makes you cool."

"It's not an act," James immediately protested, frowning. "I don't _act_." He said the final word with distaste, not liking the way Lily was grinning at him.

"Then why would you just stand there and let Snape say all those things to you?" she demanded, a smile still on her face.

"Because you asked me not to get involved!"

"As if you've ever listened to what _I_ say!" she shot back, her amusement fading somewhat. "Why can't you admit you're just a sweet bloke?"

"Dammit, Evans, don't insult my character!"

"How is that an insult?"

"How is that not?" James asked, running his fingers through his hair in agitation. He saw that Lily's eyes had flickered up to his hand, and he immediately let it fall to his side. "I would _never_ have let him say a single word. I would have—I dunno!—glued his tongue to the top of his mouth before he ever even got the chance to say something." James neglected to mentioned that that very jinx had been on the tip of his tongue the whole time she had her verbal sparring match with _Snivellus_, how his hand had been gripping his wand so tightly it hurt. That is, until he saw her wave her wand and turn Snape into an ugly and fat toad. After that, he had laughed and when a very red and angry McGonagall had hurried over, he had said that _he_ had been the one to Transfigure Snape. Needless to say, she had not been pleased.

"Then why didn't you curse him, Potter? Why did you just stand there?" Lily asked, and if James wasn't completely mistaken, there was an accusatory tone in her voice. He frowned in confusion.

"Because," he repeated slowly, "_you_ asked me not to."

"Why—"

"Oh, c'mon Evans! I _know_ you're not this thick! You know exactly why I listened to you." James crossed his arms over his chest and looked away, suddenly wondering if Peter was right. If Sirius was right. Maybe he had been after something that just didn't exist. If it was so hard for her to understand why he'd stay out of a fight she _asked_ him to stay out of, then perhaps he had been wasting his time. Feeling a bit masochistic, James turned back to her, surprised to note that she was staring intently at him.

"So you stayed out of it _for_ me?" she asked, obviously not expecting him to answer. A contemplative look appeared on her face, her green eyes fixed on him. "Why take the blame then? To get me out of trouble?" James blushed.

"Of course not," he answered. "I haven't hexed anyone in a while. People may stop thinking I'm cool." If he wasn't utterly insane, at that moment, she gave him a _fond_ smile.

"You haven't hexed anyone for almost a year, actually. I'm pretty sure no one thinks you're cool anymore." James shrugged.

"Well, you know, popularity never lasts." Lily opened her mouth to say something—he didn't know what else she _could_ say—but at that moment, McGonagall burst into the empty classroom. She assigned them both a week's worth of detentions—somehow psychically knowing that Lily had been involved—before swooping right back out of the classroom as she muttered about reckless and thoughtless students. Lily stood up slowly and gave him a smile.

"I'll see you in detention, James," she said with a wave. And just like that, his hope returned.

Because, when it came to Lily Evans, he couldn't think logically.

XXX

Despite Sirius's constant attempts to find evidence to the contrary, James wasn't an idiot.

He realized that his plan was stupid, likely to fail, and held up by the shred of hope that was Lily calling him by his first name. Yet, despite that, despite being rather sure that he would be going to bed tonight feeling as if the ground beneath him had given way, he had every intention of going through with it.

Because he was a Gryffindor, dammit, and he would prove it.

"Eugh, what is that _smell_?" Sirius asked as he walked into the dormitory, crinkling his nose. Remus chuckled from where he lay on his bed, reading.

"James is wearing cologne."

"Cologne? Mate, you're going to _detention_. You know that, right?" He sniffed the air cautiously and then began to dramatically wave his arms around, as if trying to dispel the smell. "Disgusting scent…I knew you fancied Filch, but surely not this much?" James frowned.

"First of all, it smells _fine_. My mum bought it for me. Second, it's detention with Lily. So it's different." He punched Sirius in the arm. "And the Filch jokes got old in second year, Padfoot." Remus chuckled again, shaking his head at his friends' antics, but Sirius looked upset.

"I thought you said that she just didn't get it and you were tired of trying," he accused, glaring at James. Remus answered before James could even open his mouth.

"She called him by his first name."

"Well, that's bloody brilliant!" Sirius cried sarcastically. "Shall we celebrate that it only took her six years to learn your name?"

"It's not like that, and you know it," James said softly. "Besides, you like Evans. You're friends with her."

"Yeah, I am. And I do like her. But, mate, this is getting ridiculous. She'll never say yes to you!"

"Did she say that?" When Sirius didn't answer, James grinned smugly. "Exactly. There's still a chance. I'm not going to give up. Not while there's still hope." Sirius shook his head in pity.

"Why are you doing this to yourself? You're miserable! I mean, c'mon, you're wearing _cologne_. Why can't you just think about this rationally for a minute and realize it's time to give up?" James checked his watch, and realized he had ten minutes to get to detention. He grinned at Sirius.

"There's still hope," he said before he rushed off to find Lily.

XXX

This was not going according to plan.

In his mind, he would have gone to detention with Lily, joked around and made her laugh, and then—at the very end before they parted ways—he would ask her. He would ask her one final time because, no matter what he said to Sirius, he didn't think he could handle being rejected anymore.

Tonight, he had sworn to himself, was the last time he'd allow her to make him think illogically.

Yet, when he had arrived at the Trophy Room, where they were supposed to spend the next three hours polishing all the awards, Lily was sitting on the ground, leaning against an empty case, her knees pulled up to her chest. At first, James thought she was laughing, since she was shaking. When she let out a rather loud sob, James rushed forward and dropped to his knees next to her.

"Evans? Are you okay? Are you hurt? I can take you to Pomfrey—" he stopped talking when she looked up at him. Her cheeks were stained with tears, her eyes were red and puffy, and she seemed absolutely miserable.

"Oh no, not _you_," she moaned, turning away from him. James frowned, realizing with four words—just four simple words—his heart had sunk, and his body had chilled.

"Right, I'm sorry. You want me to go call someone for you?" he asked, his annoyance creeping into his voice despite his worry for her. She shook her head immediately, yet didn't answer him. "So? What're you doing here?"

"Hiding," she muttered, burying her head in her arms. James felt his frown deepen.

"Hiding from who?"

"Never you mind," Lily said, her voice muffled. James stood up straight, crossed his arms over his chest, and tapped the floor with his foot. "Fine," she finally exclaimed, throwing her arms up in the air. "If I tell you, will you leave me alone?"

"I can't promise that, Evans," James said, crouching down and looking at her carefully. "So, what happened?"

"You'll think it's stupid."

"Does it matter what I think?" he countered, and smiled softly when she chuckled slightly.

"Okay, fine. But you can't laugh!"

"I won't laugh. I'm physically unable to laugh." Lily rolled her eyes, but she sat up straighter, and looked him in the eye. Just for a second, James let his thoughts wander, and wondered what it would feel like to lean down and just press his lips to hers, damn the consequences. But before his illogical thoughts could take hold of him, he firmly reminded himself that she needed comfort, not unwanted advances.

"All right, there's this bloke I've been…well, I've been rather infatuated with for the better part of a year." James felt his heart sink even lower, and though he kept his face impassive, he thought there was a little part of him that just died. Desperately, he tried to think of all the blokes Lily spent time with, but he came up blank, and that left him even more frustrated.

"Who's the bloke?" he asked, sure that she had heard the jealousy in his tone. She shook her head.

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because—er, because you'll hex him, like you hexed Nick a few months ago!" James snorted.

"Evans, I didn't hex Finley because he asked you out—"

"I never said—"

"I hexed him because the day after he asked you out, I caught him snogging that Ravenclaw prefect…what's her name?" James frowned, unable to remember. "Anyway, that's just bad form. So I hexed the tosser."

"Turning him blue and adding horns to his head is not the answer, Potter," Lily muttered, shaking her head.

"What can I say? I take infidelity very seriously. Besides, you're a Gryffindor! You understand loyalty."

"Merlin, I hadn't _married _him. I just said I would think about going to Hogsmeade with him. And I had decided to say no." James leaned forward at her words.

"Really? You would have said no? Why's that, Evans?" Lily blushed, and leaned away from him.

"Never you mind, Potter," she said, and he could have sworn her voice was a little shaky. She held up her hand before he could speak again, and let out a small sigh. "I don't want to talk about Nick Finley with you."

"Fine. Tell me about this bloke you're infatuated with. Did _he_ make you cry?" Lily bit her lip, almost as is she was reluctant to answer.

"Sort of. Indirectly."

"What does that even mean?" James demanded, wondering if girls made things complicated on purpose.

"Mary and Marlene told me…well, apparently, he's interested in someone else." James didn't know Lily's mates very well, but he did know they were both rather honest girls. They had even told him several times to give up on Lily back in fifth year because 'Lily was never going to say yes.' He sighed, feeling incredibly…sad…for Lily. After all, he was no stranger to the pain that came with unrequited feelings.

"And that makes you upset?" James asked unnecessarily.

"Well, obviously," Lily muttered. For a second, he didn't say anything, but then he placed a hand on Lily's shoulder—both a thrilling and sobering action—and gave her the most comforting smile he could.

"Look, Evans, I know it might not mean much from a bloke you hate, but…well, whoever you're infatuated with is an idiot. He's an idiot for not realizing that you're better than any other girl at this school." Lily stared at him, her eyes wide, and then she laughed.

"I don't hate you," she said, the corners of her eyes crinkling with her smile.

"No need to be polite, Evans," James said with a raised eyebrow. Lily shook her head.

"I'm not being polite. I'm serious!" She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "I've _never_ hated you. Sometimes, I disliked you, but it was just because you were being a prat, and it made me angry. But I never hated you." James stood, pulling Lily up with him.

"So, who's the bloke?" he asked with a grin.

"I can't say."

"Oh, c'mon!"

"Let it go, James," Lily said, laughing. And James felt his heart dig itself out of its early grave. Because he had managed to make a crying Lily Evans laugh, and that simple act gave him hope.

Without a second thought, he ditched his plans for the night—his decision to give up if he failed this time. Because, when it came to Lily Evans, he just couldn't think logically.

XXX

She hadn't spoken to him since the night in the trophy room. In fact, she hadn't even looked at him.

James didn't stress himself with questions such as 'Why?' or 'Seriously?" because he knew there was no way to find answers. Mary and Marlene—normally a good source of information—had gone mum, and he wasn't willing to risk being shrugged off by Lily if he approached her.

Instead, he spent a great deal of time in the library, alone, and staring idly at his textbooks. His dormitory had become impossible to live in; Peter was disgusted by his behavior, Remus seemed worried, and Sirius was disappointed. James had no Quidditch to distract himself with—the season had ended over a month ago—and the last of their exams had been just the day before.

So he sat in the empty, and mercifully quiet, library, thinking about just how pathetic he was. Lily Evans, the girl he could never stop thinking about, had feelings for another bloke! What chance did he have? Sure, she didn't hate him, but what did that mean, really?

Because, apparently, it didn't mean she felt anything positive.

James yawned, leaning back in his chair, balancing himself on its two hind legs. For a while, he amused himself with just how far back he could go without falling to the ground, when he heard someone slam a textbook on his table. In his surprise, he didn't catch himself in time, and went falling to the floor—headfirst—with a loud slam.

"Dammit!" he exclaimed, rubbing his head, knowing that an enormous bump would form soon. "What the hell?" he asked the person who had slammed the textbook, looking at him for the first time. But the person wasn't a him.

It was Lily.

"Are you all right?" she asked, looking at him in concern. James stood up, straightened his chair, and sat back down on it.

"I'm perfectly all right, thanks," he muttered, still rubbing his head. "Was there something you wanted?" Lily bit her lip, and she sat down across from him. For a second, she played with her hair, and then she gave him a small smile.

"I'm sorry," she said, "you know, for the other night."

"Why are you sorry?"

"For unloading on you."

"It's no big deal."

"Yes it is! I've always been so awful, and you're probably the kindest pe—" She stopped, shook her head violently, as if trying to dispel awful thoughts, and then, without giving James any time to react, grabbed him by his tie and pressed her lips to his. It only lasted a second—she pulled away almost immediately—and she gave him a sheepish look. "Sorry," she said, not looking very sorry at all. "I just…I wanted to know what it felt like."

"No, don't be sorry. Please don't be sorry," James said quickly, shaking his head. "That really wasn't long enough to find out what it feels like. You should probably try again, yeah?" She smiled, but only slightly.

"I can't seem to think clearly when I'm around you," she said, shaking her head in embarrassment, her cheeks turning a deep red.

"That's fine. Thinking is overrated anyway," he said quickly, giving her his best grin. Lily frowned, and she looked at her hands, studying them intently.

"James, I—"

"You can't do this to me, Evans. Merlin, you can't do this to me." He knew his voice reeked with desperation. He knew that he wasn't hiding his feelings, that his mask had shattered, that no matter how much hope she gave him, there would be no coming back from this. Despite his illogical thoughts, even _he_ couldn't live with only glimmers and chances. He had to have something real.

If she said no this time, he would not try again.

"Forget the other bloke—the one who made you cry. Give _me_ a chance." Lily sighed, and she looked pained.

"That's the thing, actually. You see—" James groaned, interrupting her.

"You know what? I have to go. I promised my mates I'd go to the kitchens with them to celebrate the end of the exams." He stood, carelessly threw his things into his bag, and was about to leave when Lily grabbed his wrist, forcing him to look at her.

"Why don't you ask me out anymore?" she asked, her expression earnest, and something odd shining in her eyes. "Why did you stop?" James blinked at the question.

"Why does that matter?" he asked, pulling his arm out of her grip despite wishing she'd hold on to him forever. "You've let me know exactly how you feel."

"It matters," Lily said determinedly. For a second, James thought about just walking away. He wondered if she got off on saying no to him—enjoyed seeing him crumple whenever she rejected him. But then, he remembered who she was (how she'd never do something of that sort), and he sighed.

"It wasn't fair to you. Marlene said you felt embarrassed. So I stopped." He made to leave, end the conversation there, but Lily grabbed his arm once more.

"I thought you had given up on me," she said softly, causing James's eyes to widen. "I thought I had lost my chance."

"What d'you mean?" he asked, knowing what _he_ thought it meant, but wanting to hear her say it as well. Because it wasn't real until _she_ said it outright. Until she actually said it, it was just more false hope—something to be added to the list of things he could say when Peter told him that he should just give up.

"I've been waiting and waiting for months now for you to ask me out. And when you didn't…well, I thought you were interested in someone else."

"I asked you to Hogsmeade! You said no."

"Not because I didn't want to go! Marlene's boyfriend had just broken things off. I had to spend the day with her. You know, as a sign of solidarity."

"Well, why didn't you _say_ that?" James asked incredulously, dropping his bag and sitting back down in his seat. He stared at her intently. "Why just say no?" Lily seemed shocked by his answer.

"What do you mean? I _did _tell you. I said that I couldn't go, but I'd love to go the next time."

"No, you didn't. I would have remembered something like that."

"I swear I did!" she said, snorting in disbelief. "This entire time, I thought you'd given up, and it actually _hurt_ to be near you." James frowned, and thought back to the day he had asked her to Hogsmeade. He remembered how it had seemed she had wanted to say yes—how he had even told Peter that she had wanted to say yes. Maybe, just maybe, it hadn't been all in his head.

"So…the bloke you're infatuated with…" he trailed off, looking at her carefully.

"Is you," she finished for him, her green eyes bright. James found himself beaming unabashedly.

"So I guess I rank above the Giant Squid after all," he joked. Her answering grin made him realize that perhaps—however stupid, however ridiculous it was—he would have been perfectly alright with glimmers and chances for quite some time. Because, when it came to Lily Evans, he just couldn't think logically.

_The other day, as I was outlining for my other J/L story, I thought that James—despite being a bullying toerag—was probably a really, really good guy. I mean, he dealt with rejection over and over again and I can't imagine that was exactly _easy_ for him. So this story is for James—because he never gave up, despite having every reason to. _


End file.
